Dear Toby,

Dear Toby (a most loyal employee of the News and Observer), 
Let me just say that after going to Sunday School and Preachin' today I owe you an apology for my honest outburst of emotion and verbal adjectives which were used in a very appropriate undermining tone earlier this morning. Since your office is now closed, I feel the need to redeem myself via blogging. Also, since you all apparently cannot get addresses correct for like the 5th time, I assume you may not even know your own email address much less mailing address of your company the News and Observer (for which I would send this letter).  I would like to apologize to you and the other two individuals whom I called incompetent idiots working for dumbest newspaper company EVER this side of the Mississipi. I must say that the two idiots persons that I reached before you were smart enough to actually transfer me, twice, to a supervisor in delivery services. That would be you Toby, in case you forgot your title.

Since I woke up at a mere 8:15 this morning after one amazing party last night (more to come on that) I may have been a leeeeetle more cranky than usual for a Sunday morning. And you should all know I am not a real person until at least after 9:00am + food intake + Diet Coke. Quite possibly it also could be that this is the 2nd Sunday I have not received my paper after you raped my bank account of $52. This was the News and Observer's first mistake in taking my call this morning plus, the wait time of 5+ minutes while my fuming was ignited into rage. Now, surely you telemarketer types will all have caller-ID installed promptly in your cubicles and when you see Austin, S. come up you will purposely pull the fire alarm in order for you all to escape the building safely. I don't blame you. By the way, caller ID refers to a telephone system that informs you of the person calling at the present time.

Toby, I probably would not have been as upset with you if it were not for the fact that I spoke with someone at your loser-of-a-distribution center on Monday, Tuesday, Thursday and Friday this week. Here are the problems that ensued from your company prematurely getting high off my $52 for a years worth of papers. That would be one whole year (52 weeks) plus the three weeks you idiots people have supposedly already credited my account.

You had the county, city, and address wrong all within my first 3 phone calls. Then you can't deliver here to my house of a mere 1/6 of a mile from the city limits. Oh wait yes you can. Oh wait no you can't. Yes. No. Yes. No. Maybe?????

Furthermore, thank you so much for agreeing with me even though I don't think you really had any clue that my ideas were in fact smarter than yours. Remember what I said? I can go over that again in case I was too audible for you the first time. It would be much easier on you and your company if you could actually:

1) get people's addresses correct (even though they spelled them for you. Twice)
2) actually correct the information once it is given to you yet a third time.
3) sign people up for what they paid for, like delivery (where the paper is actually delivered to homes)  instead of mailing (this is the system for the newspaper to be delivered via the United States Postal System).
4) Don't have your entourage of uninformed paperboys to man the local Wal-mart and Food Lion to sign people up if you are in fact not going to deliver to that area. (this one should be a no-brainer)
5) and finally, actually have some sort of system for informing your tele-market friends and co-workers of where the paper actually can be delivered in case you do in fact receive calls.

I do appreciate your heart-felt apology of  "I'm sorry" and "Good idea" every time I said something that you knew was a good idea but you were too stupid to think of on your own. I am smart enough to know that you did not actually have those ideas in place and your boss is in fact more intellectually challenged than you are, simply for hiring you.

Hopefully, this will clear up any misunderstanding that we had this morning and reinforce the fact that the N&O's creditability is at stake in the Austin household and surrounding areas (particualarly those inside the city limits and just beyond). Oh, and throughout Timberlake where you must actually commute directly through in order to reach Roxboro for your so-called delivery scandals.

Finally, No I would not like the paper mailed, even though I paid for your convenient Sunday delivery. The only reason I even want the paper is for the coupons which must be the most-credible portion of the N&O. And that only happens once a week.  If I want to get coupons so I can rustle up 58 bottles of ketchup at $.18 each just because its a good deal, it has nothing to do with you. Extreme Couponing is not a crime and I don't appreciate the discrimination. I just want the Freakin' coupons! I believe our conversation ended with "refund." However, I will show you Mr. N&O. I will find somewhere in town to deliver my paper on a regular basis. And until then, when I send Sean Austin to the newspaper machine before 7:00 on Sunday to get a paper whilst waiting on one of your idiot employees to drop them off, I will NOT scold him for taking the whole stack for $2. I will encourage it.

Sincerely,

Amber R. Austin